Oh hello. I won a 6-foot dildo throne. This is my story

Yes you did read that correctly.

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Update: the throne is now for sale on eBay right here, you lucky things.

When your teacher asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up, what did you say?

Fireman? Astronaut? Princess?

All perfectly reasonable answers. Fair enough. But I'm a maverick, you see, and I have been since I was a boy. In response to that famous question I looked up at my teacher and said, "I'm not sure, Miss, but I'll be happy as long as it involves sitting on a six-foot throne made primarily of black dildos."

On April 9, 2015, my childhood dream came true.

Perhaps I should explain

In late March I was at my desk when I noticed on Twitter that Bondara, the 'adult toy retailer', was giving away one of the most extraordinary items I had ever seen: a replica of the Iron Throne featured in the dragons-and-tits spectacle that is Game of Thrones.

Hmmmmm, I thought. Yes, I would like one of those. And so I entered the competition - which, for all those asking, involved nothing more difficult than retweeting the details - and I thought nothing more of it when I went to sleep that night.

I had no idea my life would soon be transformed beyond all recognition. I didn't even have an inkling. Not even an inkling.

Then the fun began

April 9 was a day like any other. Until...

I received a phone call from Mr Joe Satari, who began our conversation by asking me whether I remembered entering a competition to win a huge throne covered in dildos. I enter so many that it was difficult to remember this particular one. After a few seconds, however, I remembered the one he was on about. He told me that I...I, Ralph Jones...had actually been lucky enough to win the massive great bastard (not his words).

Have I ever been happier? Have I ever been more overcome with emotion? Have I ever been closer to jumping out of a window with joy? No. The answer to all three of those questions is no.

With all the paperwork signed, the reality of the situation soon started to dawn on me. I had read in the contract that the throne was six feet tall, four feet wide, and three feet deep. Then I began to realise just how big that actually is...

Absolutely bloody massive

The dildo throne is four feet wide. It's six feet tall. Just picture that for a moment. Just picture trying to slide that through your front door. Imagine clinging onto the numerous dicks and using them to steer the throne into your living room. A throne that takes up as much space as a young horse.

Given that my flat is a normal flat with normal doors, storing it there wasn't an option. What I wanted more than anything else was for the colossal monster to be delivered to work, where I could sit on it every day, happily typing away. Just imagine - I could have been writing this article while sitting proudly on the hideous object you've seen more than enough times already.

This couldn't happen because, HR issues to one side, it's a normal office with normal doors. When the office was designed, the builders didn't stop everything and say, "Hold up - have we...have we considered the possibility that one day, someone might want to manoeuvre a dildo throne through these doors?"

So, like a deranged sex loon, I began to broadcast increasingly desperate pleas on Facebook and Twitter. Here is the wording of one of them:

"OK - serious question here. Does anyone have any storage space in which they'd be able to temporarily keep a huge throne of dildos? Let me know if you have sufficiently wide doors."

This plan fell through. No one had sufficiently wide doors.

Then things get more serious. I was told that the company storing the throne needed me to find a home for it in the next two weeks or the throne would be given to someone else. The thought of someone else getting their grubby mitts on my dildos made me genuinely furious, so I did what any sensible person would do: I rented a garage.

Now I was paying (an undisclosed amount) every month to house my throne of dildos. This was getting a bit ridiculous. Sorry, this was getting even more ridiculous.

Bear in mind that I had to tell the owner of the garage exactly what I was using it for. I had to say the following - and I quote: "I should tell you that the item being delivered is very bizarre - it's a kind of erotic throne that I won in a competition." Fair play to the man - he barely batted an eyelid.

So, with everything in place, I scheduled the delivery for May 26.

Delivery day

Because we wanted to get the whole thing on film, my esteemed colleagues accompanied me to the garage, where we waited for Tony, the delivery man.

Here's the video of what went down:

Before long, he arrived. Our knight in shining armour. Mr Throne himself. The Dildo Man. Lord Dildo. The Archdildo of Canterbury.

Here's Tony and I carrying the enormous throne out of his van.

We wheeled the throne (YES IT HAS WHEELS) up the hill to the garage. I don't know if you've ever wheeled a throne of dildos up a steep hill, but it's exhausting. There are plenty of examples to choose from but my favourite moment was probably when one of the 100+ dildos (I haven't counted them all yet) fell off, and Tony's seven-year-old grandson picked it up. Classic scenes.

Once we were up the hill, Tony - who built the throne as well - treated us to some stories about how he's been incorporating dildos into his daily life ever since he was given this commission. We laughed and we laughed.

After saying a fond farewell to Tony, we had to let the old girl settle into her home.

She was scared, of course she was. New owner. New surroundings.

Once she'd acclimatised, it was time to unveil her. I ripped the red sheet off...and there she was.

Oh Jesus Christ

I should add that, while I was unveiling it, the inevitable happened: a group of stoned teenagers emerged from the trees, twenty yards away from us, and started pointing and laughing, and taking photos of everything. I have no idea why they found it so funny - we were just three young people filming the unveiling of an enormous dildo throne outside a garage in a quiet residential area for no obvious reason. WHAT WAS THEIR PROBLEM?

Anyway, I asked them if they wanted to buy the throne, but they didn't, so they pissed off. We had no more to say to them.

We learned a few things after seeing the throne in the flesh... a) It was much bigger than even I had expected. This meant it was also a lot heavier. Writing this now, 48 hours after the ordeal, my arms are sore from the lifting and the pushing and the pulling. It is a big throne. It is a heavy throne. b) We learned that the dildos AREN'T VERY HARD AT ALL. They are soft and they flop around like tired sausages.

That's Amelia, one of our writing team, trying to put a dildo back in its rightful place after it had fallen off. They're cheeky fellas, those dildos - they'll scamper away if they're given half a chance.

And that there is Sam, our designer and cameraman, taking a Snapchat on a dildo throne so he can show all his mates.

Much like the Iron Throne, the dildo throne should never be carelessly sat upon. As you can see from these images, the incumbent is flanked by dildos left, right, centre, above, and below. Like shaking hands with Katie Hopkins, you are never more than a foot away from a dick.

There are some people who will assume that becoming the owner of a dildo throne will change me. He won't have time for us any more, they'll say. He won't want to talk to anyone who doesn't own a gigantic throne. He'll hang out with all his cool new dildo mates.

This is all absolutely true.

So what now?

Now, readers, I must wait. I am now selling my throne on eBay (here's where you can get your hands on it!), so that I can rake in the dildo dough. Now begins my journey of discovery: who will buy my wonderful dildo throne?

I will, of course, keep you posted. Until then - remember: if ever you are given the chance to let a dildo throne into your life, always say yes. Never say no to a throne of dildos.

So good night...and good luck

If you'd like to learn more, or place a bid on this gorgeous item, get in touch with me on mr.ralph.jones@hotmail.co.uk.

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