How to have sex outside

(That's actually good)

Sex

There are two truly magical things in life: sex and nature.

Think about it; it's hard to beat the gratification of a post-sex stupor. But, on the other hand, gazing at majestic scenery after a hike is pretty damn satisfying too.

So here's the question we ask, boys and girls: WHY NOT BOTH?

For those of us that don't get off on the thought of being caught in public (if you're into that, keep at it, you're great at what you do), the idea of having sex outdoors is a little daunting. There are the elements to consider, let alone dog walkers, sharp twigs, nettles and the sun hitting areas of you that have never seen the light before.

But if you give it a little consideration beforehand, it can actually be a fun, liberating encounter. After all, is it not what nature intended?

It's time to take copulation back outdoors - less Duke of Edinburgh Award and more Duke of Edinb-urghhhhh Award, amirite?

  1. 1 Pick your location wisely

    Beach sex is well-known scenario, but unless your privates need a thorough exfoliation, it's probably best avoided.

    Better things to look for in an outdoor sex location include isolation, cover, and location a far from anyone you know.

    Park around the corner from your house with children's playground? No. Farmland in distant Wales with lots of tall grass? Yes.

    If you can't get out into the country, improvise - no one can see you on the roof, can they?

  2. 2 Pick a time
    GIF

    You might never get up at 6am, but joggers definitely do.

    Later is often better; when outdoorsy types are in bed or down the pub.

  3. 3 Bring a blanket
    GIF

    You know what exists outdoors? Rocks. Loads of rocks. And twigs. And you won't truly know this pain until someone else's weight is making them stick into your back even further.

    A blanket can cushion you against this agony, but can also serve as cover if you suspect someone is nearby. Or you know, if it gets cold.

  4. 4 Wear logical clothes
    Jumpsuit
    Source: Topshop

    If you want to be subtle, don't wear a jumpsuit, wear a skirt. Men, wear jogging bottoms rather than jeans for a quick cover-up operation.

  5. 5 And speaking of subtlety...
    GIF

    If you want your arses covered (literally), don't get caught with your trousers down doing missionary and dear God, don't do it doggy style.

    If you're crafty about it, all a dog walker sees is a young loved-up couple having a totally-chaste spoon.

    But you know what's really going on. You. Know.

  6. 6 Avoid the following:
    Thistle
    Source: see like click

    Thistles. Ants' nests. Nettles. Poison ivy. Cow pats. Other forms of countryside excrement.

  7. 7 Accept the following:
    GIF

    Insects. Embrace the fact that you will probably have a threesome, indirectly, with an ant.

  8. 8 Bring snacks
    snacks
    Source: Reddit

    Because when in life shouldn't there be snacks?

    Feature image: Karen