17 of the strangest sex toys you can legitimately buy

Is that a...? Oh.

Sex feat2

Here at Hexjam, we're pretty open minded. We encourage you to have sex outside, explore open relationships and take killer nudes.

But it's a big wide world out there, and some kinds of sexual appetites can make anyone that doesn't want an Extreme Bad Girl Vibrating Ass Mega Masturbator feel like a prude.

What is an Extreme Bad Girl Vibrating Ass Mega Masturbator, you ask? Well...

  1. 1 This monstrosity

    It's like a woman, but without a head and mouth to nag you with, amirite lads?

    sex toy
    Source: uberkinky

    Sex dolls are weird, but unlike this 'Pipedream Extreme Flip and F Me Mega Masturbator', they kind of make sense - they're at least trying to look like humans.

    But this? It's more like the sick, twisted final evolutionary stage of a Pokémon. Especially when flipped upside down.

    pokemon and sex toy
    Source: uberkinky/wikia
  2. 2 This arsehole in a can
    fleshlight in a can
    Source: Kinky Cherries

    For the gentleman that loves stout so much he can't resist penetrating it.

    Though we appreciate the designer's attention to detail (see 'Back Door Stout' and 'Serve Warm'), the image of someone enthusiastically fucking a sharp tin can is just too much.

  3. 3 This Fucking Machine (yeah, it's called that)
    sex machine
    Source: uberkinky

    Would you let this thing near your soft, vulnerable genitals?

    Oh, ok then.

  4. 4 Or this handy travel edition
    travelling sex machine
    Source: uberkinky

    We bet it fits right in your pocket. In more ways than one, eh, eh?

  5. 5 This uncomfortable lady
    sex doll
    Source: uberkinky
    sex doll
    Source: uberkinky

    Poor Nicole never liked the sound of yoga, but figured she'd give it a go after the girls at the office wanted to go after work.

    Would you want to fuck Nicole in that scenario? Apparently so.

  6. 6 This 'lil fella
    tongue vibrator
    Source: Lovehoney

    While those guys are sweating over half-torsos and empty beverage cans, here you are with a detached tongue.

    The Tongue dreams of the day he'll finally be able to speak. But until then...

  7. 7 This poor creature
    blow job toy
    Source: Lovehoney

    This piece is advertised as a 'Realistic Blow Job Stroker', so we pity whoever its designer was sleeping with at the time.

    Who knows how a potato and a naked role mat fell in love, but in the case of this, it must have happened.

  8. 8 This true-to-life whale dildo
    whale dildo
    Source: uberkinky

    No, really. This is a realistically-shaped whale dildo.

  9. 9 This temptress
    sex doll Teddy Babe
    Source: Lovehoney

    For the person with an unhealthy relationship with Cabbage Patch Kids and £500 to spare, this Teddy Babe Plush Sex Doll has it all.

  10. 10 This sexual heeling
    heel strap on
    Source: uberkinky

    Great for if all your other limbs are busy with other orifices, or if you missed Leg Day at the gym.

  11. 11 This vibrating arse
    butt sex toy
    Source: uberkinky

    Now all of our butts feel inadequate for not constantly vibrating.

  12. 12 This barbie-pink inflatable chair
    sex chair
    Source: Lovehoney

    Our childhood love of inflatable things has been immediately dissolved.

  13. 13 This super-cute accessory
    balls sex toy
    Source: uberkinky

    Decorate your favourite dildo with this pair of balls. Collect 'em all.

  14. 14 This horse-tail butt plug
    horse butt plug
    Source: uberkinky

    When you feel like being a horse and need a butt plug, why not both?

  15. 15 This oddly limp-looking hand
    fisting toy
    Source: uberkinky

    Reach for the stars.

  16. 16 Or if one oddly limp-looking hand isn't enough
    fisting dong
    Source: uberkinky
  17. 17 And finally...
    Source: uberkinky

    Don't forget to use some lube, folks.

    Feature image: uberkinky