The Facebook profile picture - it really is a conundrum. Do you aim for arty nonchalance, or a double thumbs-up zaniness, or cool ennui? Or....DUCK FACE.
1. The duck face
Duck Facers reckon this looks sexy, it actually looks a bit like two sunburnt slugs attached themselves to their mouth. The Duck Facer is focused on looks and is a teensy bit shallow. Nothing makes them happier than the 3-for-2 at Boots on make up products. Has now entered into the realm of parody.
2 The amazing travel shot
Oh look, you're riding on an elephant / camel / other oddly shaped animal. Oh look, it's you with your new pigmy aboriginal friends. You are so cool and adventurous and your hair is in dreads. Yes we are jealous. We are really jealous. Because that's what this is about isn't it?
3. The handstand on beach, in front of sunset
FYI, the best holiday photo of all time:
4. The alcoholic party animal
The boozy shot fans like to show what a right laugh they are. Their profile picture is a photo which supposedly proves it. They're a boozer, they're on it, they are clubbing till the DAWN. They don't care who knows how reckless and cool they are, and how many WKDs they can neck in a night. Until their boss sees, and fires them.
5. The Instagram hipster
Because despite the fact 95.5% of the population has Instagram, the Instagram hipsters still think the X-Pro II filter makes them the coolest thing on earth. Probably wears: denim cut-offs and Wayfarers.
6. The Marley & me
They are either in the photo hugging their pet, or it is a photo solely of the pet. They really, really like their pet. They like their pet so much, they are ok with the fact some people might mistake them for a golden retriever. They are a warm, loving generous person who enjoys cat GIFs and dressing their dog up at Christmas in a Santa hat.
7. The selfish crop
They clearly think they look totes hot in this one particular snap, but their pesky friends flanked either side of them are encroaching on the shot. This results in them, and half of their friends' arm and face, or elbow. They worry about the fact that they cropped their buddies out makes them look narcissistic. (Lil' bit).
8. The bikini full length
We kinda reckon these people aren't great on the whole self-awareness thing, and are perhaps a bit insecure and overly bothered about what other people think of them. They are probably (mostly) attractive, but while posting a basically naked picture of themselves all over the internet might appear to be a confident move, it actually comes across as incredibly insecure. And even more so if they've gone to town with Photoshop.
9. The gym / bicep selfie
This dude wants everyone to see how ripped and buff they are. To be fair, this is kinda ok if they have just lost sh*tloads of weight, because y'know, props and that. But if they've got abs like Jessica Biel, or biceps like Arnie, and they're just keen on flaunting them all of the time....BORING, put some clothes on, bro.
10. The comic shot
They're so funny, they're ker-azy. The joker, the clown. They are a total LOLz machine. Either they'll be wearing comic glasses and a fake moustache (3D cinema glasses are a popular choice), or they are posing in an animal print onesie. Their celeb equivalents are Sarah Silverman or Seth Rogen. They hope.
11. The happy couple
They are SO in love with their boyfriend/girlfriend. I mean, these guys are for keeps, right? They want to let the whole world know. So naturally their profile photo is the two of them with tongues in each other's oesophagus, while all of us singletons weep into a £5.99 bottle of sauv blanc.
12. The middle finger
You such a badass! You go with your bad self! The only person who just about gets away with this is Rihanna, and that's cos she's Rihanna. A picture of a dude with a snapback on and giving the one finger salute doesn't do anything to up street credentials, trust us. Especially not when we can see their nan watching Countdown in a mirror reflection.
13. Gang sign and/or gun fingers
Closely related to the above, only worse.
14. The wannabe model
We can't be 100% sure, but we don't think Kate Moss is quaking in her size 6 Louboutins.
15. The moody black and white
Basically they have found the sepia tool on Pixlr, and think it makes them look moody and cool. Actually, it just makes them look like they've found the sepia tool on Pixlr. They were probably an emo or 'scenester' at school. By which we mean they had an asymmetrical fringe and owned at least one My Chemical Romance record.
16. The 'professional' portfolio photo
These are always so cringy and awkward. Basically this person has paid a photographer £200 to have a photo taken looking exceedingly uncomfortable surrounded by tacky props and bad make-up. Sometimes against 'hip' wallpaper. Plus the photog probably went to town with the Photoshop blemish tool, so it doesn't even look like them.
17. The charity logo or political affiliation
This person wants the world to know how kind, caring and compassionate they are. Because they really are, and they do care so much more than everybody else. It doesn't matter that we all support gay marriage too, they have to go that extra step, by making the campaign logo their profile pic. Next year: Nobel peace prize.
18. The boring passport photo
This isn't an actual passport photo, but it's a pretty dull head and shoulders shot, the kind of which you could totally use a passport. Or perhaps it looks a bit like they're in a police line-up, and should be holding a placard with their height on it. Still, at least it's not a duck face.
19. The you-as-a-kid
It's you as a kid! How cute! Or, it's you at school. Dude, nobody looked good in the 90s. Basically if you have a picture of you as a kid, it's because you think you look adorable in it, and you're not sure you still look that adorable. You're hoping everybody will comment on how adorable you were as a kid. *Tumbleweed*.
20. The Glastonbury shot
Enough!! We get it! You had an awesome time and we didn't.