It's hard to say which we love more: food or sex. We love to eat, but overindulgence makes us unhealthy. We love sex, but sometimes it's just easier to go down the Co-op and demolish a packet of custard cremes, and if you've never done that then check your nose, Pinocchio.
And then the guilt kicks in; damn, maybe you shouldn't have eaten 24 custard cremes in one sitting. Time to burn those off those calories. But you don't want to go running, in fact you hate running. So how can I undo the damage by doing something I love...
That's where the Daily Mail comes in. They know you love sex and food, so they've managed to combine the two in a way that won't land you on their front page under the headline: "Sick pervert uses chocolate bourbons as sexual aid - and WE'RE PAYING FOR IT".
Instead they've (somehow) worked out how many calories are burnt per minute of sex - despite the fact that 'sex' is a very elastic term and calories burn at different rates for different people - and have applied that number to your favourite foods.
At the bottom of the article the Mail noted: "Although calorie burn varies according to gender, age, weight and metabolism, these figures are based on estimates that brisk walking burns 4.4 cals per minute, running burns 7.1, tennis 5 and sex 3.1 calories."
With that in mind, let's have a look at some of their findings.
Duration of sex required: 30 minutes
Duration of sex required: 58 minutes
Duration of sex required: 1 hour, 19 minutes
Duration of sex required: 38 minutes
Starbucks Carrot Cake
Duration of sex required: 3 hours, 7 minutes
Can of Coca-Cola
Duration of sex required: 45 minutes
Two slices of buttered toast
Duration of sex required: 53 minutes
So there you have it, next time you have a sausage roll, bear in mind that you'll need to fit a solid hour of doing it into your schedule if you want to keep the pounds off.
Or you could just not care. Maybe that's best.
Feature © Jonathan McIntosh