Just been dumped? Want to punch love in the face? Get the urge to keel over at the thought of looks around, whispers Valentine's Day? Well the first thing you need to do is go here and download these:
We've also found nine of the very best Anti-Valentine's Day presents for you to enjoy, laugh at, and maybe even purchase. Hey, we like to cater for everyone.
Should you be looking for presents fit for your lovely partner then you've probably come to the wrong place. Let us direct you here instead:
But back to the Anti-Valentine's Day stuff...
Don't you just hate Love Hearts? It would be fine if they said things you actually meant but you always end up receiving one that reads 'e-mail me' or worse, 'fax me'. I mean, who faxes these days anyway? These Bittersweets tell people how it is, with messages including: 'U LEFT SEATUP', 'SO SO ALONE' and 'HE FIT U FAT'. Brilliant.
Treat yourself to this uber scary voodoo doll , perfect for the scorned lover, desperate for revenge. Pin points on the doll's body are captioned with loving messages including: 'Stop flirting with my friends', 'I hope you realise you still love me and want me back' and the entirely rational, 'Hope you get bad acne'. Charming.
Forget about all that schmaltzy heart-shaped crap that adorns the shelves of every shop come February. Hearts aren't symmetrical, hearts aren't pretty - they look like THIS . Ignore February 14th this year and instead, use this mould to make your own vodka jelly before heading out with mates (only singletons allowed). This heart jelly mould is almost as good these:
Who needs a real girlfriend when you can make your own perfect one? OK, so she might be made out of clay but who cares - this kit enables you to design 25 different types of lady friend, meaning you'll never get bored. Unlike those other suckers out there with real girlfriends...
Well, it's only fair that the ladies get to make their own boyfriend too. Although to be honest, this one seems like a lot more effort.
Mmm, Nothing says 'I love you' like a Valentine's breakfast in bed with bacon roses on the side. Is it wrong that we kind of want some of these? Find out how to make your very own bacon roses here . If you don't fancy munching on some pig-based flowers, you could always try this:
Feeling all alone this Valentine's Day? Invest in your very own squishy man. Well, half a man. OK, it's just an arm. But it's an extremely cuddly arm at that. The imaginatively titled Man Arm Pillow is sure to keep you warm on those cold, lonely nights. Don't worry men of the world, there's also the Lady Lap Pillow for you...
Looking for the perfect way to say 'I hate you'? You're unlikely to find a better gift than a knife block. What could be better than that? A knife block shaped like a person , that's what.
Looking for a way to get your other half to break up with you so you don't have to do the whole 'it's not you it's me' shebang? Get them some bathroom scales . Honestly, you won't ever see them again.
Despairing for humanity? Looking for some more serious Valentine's pointers? Head here instead: