I tried to guess the plots of famous films just from their titles

One uncultured man, 10 films and a whole load of chaos.

Big one

I'm notoriously known amongst my friends as the guy who's never seen any films, and while I do dispute that (I've seen all the Toy Stories at least eight times), I have to admit there are quite a few classics I've never laid eyes on.

Worse than that, actually, I don't even know the plots. So Rich, our most film-obsessed writer and connoisseur of the silver screen, decided to challenge me to guess the plots of some all-time greats.

I'm so sorry for everything that happened.

  1. 1
    ocean's eleven

    It’s the year 3000. Not much has changed but we live underwater, and a group of people from the country formerly known as England (before it got engulfed by the Great Tsunami of 2084) decide to set up the world’s first ever underwater cricket team. The film follows them on their hilarious and uplifting journey, as they go from laughing stocks of the seabed to world famous superstars. Cricket becomes Atlantis’ national game, and the landscape of underwater sports is changed forever/until the sequel, Ocean’s Twelve.

    Read the actual plot synopsis here.

  2. 2
    schindler's list

    A 47-year-old German man named Herbert Schindler moves to America with his wife and two children and becomes completely and utterly obsessed with the ridiculously indulgent foods it has to offer. He is so enamoured with this world of bacon pancakes and Reese’s Pieces that he decides to make a list of every American food he wants to eat before he dies. However, what starts as a light-hearted challenge ends up tearing himself and his family apart. With Herbert focussed solely on his gluttonous habits, his wife and kids get forgotten and she leaves him for another man. Just as Herbert begins to realise the error of his ways, he dies tragically from a heart attack, and is buried with a plate of triple-fried chicken.

    Read the actual plot synopsis here.

  3. 3
    north by northwest

    The baby daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian makes her silver screen debut with a self-shot documentary about her own life. Thanks to her mum’s expert teaching, it is filmed beautifully using just the front-facing screen of an iPhone. Unfortunately though, because North is as yet unable to speak, it is just three and a half hours of her wailing uncontrollably down the lens and throwing her toys at paparazzi. It is the highest grossing film of all time.

    Read the actual plot synopsis here.

  4. 4
    the green mile

    This is a racing film, very similar to the likes of The Fast and the Furious, with one slight twist - it’s all on bicycles. Two rival cycling gangs engage in two-wheel battles the likes of which you have never seen before on screen, before the film culminates in the likeable young upstart from the ‘good’ team taking on the big, bad boss, who has more than 20 years of street cycling experience and loves fighting dirty. They race over the notorious ‘Green Mile’ - a strangely beautiful, tree-lined track - and somehow, against all the odds, our young hero comes out on top.

    Read the actual plot synopsis here.

  5. 5
    legally blonde

    It’s 1740s Britain, and King George II has just banned hair dye because he gets jealous if anyone’s hair is more fabulous than his (seriously, Google him, look at that barnet). Anyway, a bunch of people get right pissed off about this and decide to march on Buckingham Palace and overthrow the King. There is a very long war which sees 273 people die on screen and the most blood ever in the history of the film industry, but in the end the pro-hair dye rebels valiantly win out and all decide to go platinum for summer.

    Read the actual plot synopsis here.

  6. 6
    pulp fiction

    I actually know a bit about this one. It’s a Tarantino film which has John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson in it, and there’s also a hot woman with dark hair - because she’s on the posters which literally every student in the world has on their wall. From the title, I’m guessing they work in one of those factories where they pulp all the crap books that no one wants to read. But one fateful day, Travolta ends up accidentally pulping an all-time bestseller and Jackson gets super pissed, because it happens to be his favourite novel. He ends up putting Travolta through the pulping machine and it is all rather gross.

    Read the actual plot synopsis here.

  7. 7
    10 things i hate about you

    An idiot man gets drunk and thinks it would be funny to write down all the things that annoy him about his girlfriend. There are 10 of them. Because this idiot drunk man is both an idiot and drunk, he leaves it on the kitchen counter, goes upstairs and passes out in his underwear. His girlfriend, who is neither an idiot nor drunk, finds the note and decides, obviously, to break up with him. This would probably only take about 15 minutes, so for the remaining hour of the film we just watch her go on a Mediterranean cruise or something.

    Read the actual plot synopsis here.

  8. 8
    the breakfast club

    The first rule of Breakfast Club is to never talk about Breakfast Club. The second rule of Breakfast Club is that poached eggs are clearly the best and we should all stop arguing, okay? In this film, a group of young media professionals from London meet up weekly for a morning meal. Initially they just discuss the merits of different types of breakfast food, until one member of the group gets all power hungry and rallies her friends to stop discussing bacon and start planning to take over the world. I imagine they fail miserably.

    Read the actual plot synopsis here.

  9. 9
    reservoir dogs

    This is probably something really gangstery, it sounds like it should be gangstery, but I can’t stop thinking about lots of dogs playing together in a lake and frankly that sounds like a fucking awesome film that anyone would want to see. I’ll compromise and say it’s about a group of badass gangster dogs determined to stick it to their human masters by pulling off the biggest Pedigree Chum heist of all time - directly from the warehouse itself. Obviously they pull it off, because dogs are far superior to humans and it would be a rubbish film in they didn’t. Oh also the dogs are wearing sunglasses.

    Read the actual plot synopsis here.

  10. 10
    the good, the bad and the ugly

    A buddy cop film with one little difference - instead of the usual good cop/bad cop deal that we know so well, there’s also an ugly cop - and let me tell you, he is truly butters. The problem with ugly cop is that every time he goes to interview a suspect they can’t help but laugh at his face. This, as you might expect, makes him very sad and then later, very angry. One night, after it all gets too much, he goes on a rampant killing spree, laying the town to waste, before the film ends with him sitting in a cell, across the table from his two former friends. They tell him the moral of the story is that you should never be ugly. It is rightly considered the worst film of all time.

    Read the actual plot synopsis here.