Here's everything that's fucked up about Beauty and the Beast

So many eggs.

Gaston eggs

The prince looks like the victim of a horrible explosion in a plastic surgery clinic

What's going on here? What is that face all about?

We learn later that he's probably about ten years old. WHAT KIND OF TEN-YEAR-OLD CHILD LOOKS LIKE THIS? He doesn't look that much better than the old witch, to be honest. Look at that fucking nose. That could take someone's eye out.

And what is with his claw-like hand? There is no way he's got a firm grip on that stick. That's just slipping right out of his hand.

Also, why's he answering the door in his robe, a crown on his head, holding his metal stick? He is alone in the castle. That has been established. There's no one there. Who's this creep trying to impress?

Where are his goddamn parents?

Why is such a young boy - about 10 years old, remember - in charge of an entire shitting castle? He's a prince, so where's his mum or dad? You know, the actual king and queen. The people who would presumably reign over the land.

And why does this creepy crone persecute him for not letting her crash at his place? Disney, be consistent, for God's sake - should you or should you not accept weird old strangers into your home? The narrator says the prince is "repulsed by her haggard appearance" but I reckon that's an embellishment; he was probably a young guy who didn't want a mysterious smelly old witch creeping around in his castle. Perfectly reasonable. He'd probably heard about the Snow White situation and the shit she had to deal with after she took an apple from a similar-looking old bat. She nearly fucking died.

Should "a beautiful enchantress" have a left hand that looks like a hoof?

I mean something's gone wrong there, hasn't it. You wouldn't even be able to brush your teeth with that.

Also, there was absolutely no need for the witch to turn into a beautiful young woman. She was just showing off by this point.

Right, where's this magic mirror come from?

This magic mirror is just casually tossed into the story. But I mean...what's going on? The narrator doesn't say that the old crone gave the Beast the mirror. If she did, why did she? If she didn't, why did he always have a magic mirror?

Belle calls the place a 'town'...THEN SHE CALLS IT A 'VILLAGE'

"Little town, it's a quiet village," she sings. Yeah; like they're interchangeable, Belle. LIKE THEY'RE INTERCHANGEABLE.

She's a well-read woman. She should be more than aware that there is a fundamental difference between a town and a village. THEY'RE FOUNDED ON TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT TYPES OF ECONOMY, BELLE.

Why is the village full of "little people"?

I've written about this issue before, and I imagine I'll do so again. If the village is full of dwarfs, Belle should just say so; none of this condescending 'little people' shit.

Why's this guy so cheerful? What does he know?

The man is in the stocks, for God's sake. But off he goes, singing "Bonjour!!!" just like everyone else, like he hasn't a care in the world. This must be one of the worst moments of his life, surely. What is he so bloody happy about? Maybe he just likes a good musical.

Right. Here's some of the weird shit that happens in the village when the villagers sing about Belle being "strange"...

An evil boy runs after a terrified pig. Why? For kicks? Maybe it's a bit of harmless fun, but there's a strangely sexual look in his eyes. He's a deviant, for sure, and the pig knows it. The pig's scared for his life, and no one could care less.

A woman with big tits cradles a massive joint of raw meat as though it were a baby. Why isn't the meat wrapped up in some kind of paper? No one should be that tactile with raw meat. She'll be covered in blood within minutes, and there'll be flies all over the meat. Irresponsible.

This terrifying woman shouts "I NEED SIX EGGS!!!" right into an old man's face. To be fair, she's not one of the people singing about how bizarre Belle is, but come on - if you're gonna dedicate a whole song to a weirdo, focus on the wild-eyed loon who's screaming about her desperate egg shortage. Start with her, then move on to young women who enjoy reading.

Why does she need so many eggs? What's she got planned, some kind of urgent egg orgy?

How in sweet fuck is this bookshop making any money?

Not only is Belle very probably the only customer, the villagers think reading is so phenomenally strange that they devote an entire actual song to the subject. How the shitting hell would a bookseller make a living in such a derogatory environment? Can you imagine this shop pitting itself against the mighty giant of Amazon? It wouldn't stand a pissing chance, mate.

Furthermore: Belle says she only borrowed the book she's returning. What's this old guy up to? He's not even selling the books he's supposed to be fucking selling! He must be pushing smack on the side or something, because the bookshop can't be making him more than about 15p a week.

Then it just gets worse: the old moron gives Belle the fucking book for free! He gives her the book without asking her to pay anything. Definitely a drug dealer.

Why is this man's jumper so short around the middle?

Why was this jumper made to such bizarre measurements? The sleeves fit the guy perfectly, absolutely fine, but around the waist there's about ten inches of skin on display. Imagine that jumper on a man who wasn't so heroically overweight; it would be totally inadequate. The sleeves would be touching the floor.

Some of the screenshots in this film are phenomenal

Look at this, folks.

Belle lets an actual, real sheep eat a page of her book

She says it's her favourite book, for God's sake. For a young woman who is so admirably devoted to literature, Belle is incredibly ignorant about the basic care of books. Rule number one of book club is, you do not let sheep chomp on your Dickens.

This woman holds a fish and says, "You call this bacon?!"

The fish has a squirrel attached to it. There are lots of other fish in front of her. What the fuck is going on here? Why would she think it was bacon? Why would anyone have tried to convince her that it was bacon? I mean, that obviously didn't happen. If it didn't happen, what in God's name is her problem? Why is there a total maniac who screams about needing eggs ASAP, and a woman who thinks she's been told a huge fish is a rasher of bacon?

Gaston organises an actual wedding without even proposing to Belle, let alone her agreeing

Nothing would surprise me at this stage. The village is full of utter, utter bellends. Ironically, given her name, Belle is about the only person who isn't a bellend.

They're all French, presumably...but only Lumiere has a French accent

Unless the village had a huge influx of Americans surge into it, all these people must be French. They say "Bonjour", for God's sake. So why do they all have American accents, with the exception of one guy and a French maid?

Fair play to Disney - they put the word 'EXPECTORATING' into a song

It means spitting. Go forth. Go forth and use this incredible new piece of vocab.

Gaston eats five dozen eggs every morning

This is my biggest problem in the entire film. Yes, more so than a human woman falling in love with a cross between a bear, a goat, and a wolf. This one is seriously, seriously worrying.

Someone has to tell Gaston that he must stop what he's doing immediately. He is eating 60 eggs every day. Quite aside from the fact that that's enough calories to kill a small cow, can you imagine the state of his farts? They'll smell like the bowels of the devil. I mean, the man seems to be eating them raw as well - lobbing them into his mouth and just swallowing the bloody things. What the fuck is wrong with this idiot? This is before we even talk about the fact that, as a child, he was eating 48 eggs every morning. Jesus Christ, what were his parents doing? A child, eating 48 eggs every morning. Not day - every morning. I don't think I've had 48 eggs in my entire life.

Also, can we talk about the fact that this pub has about 20 eggs just lying around in a wooden bowl? Why? Who are they for? Who is sitting there drinking a pint and shoving raw eggs into his mou - oh right, Gaston, yep. Makes sense.

Lefou is trapped in a sickeningly violent relationship

The man is punched every few seconds, thrown across rooms, and kicked up the arse. He's clearly a hopeless idiot, but he deserves better.

Mrs Potts tells Chip to get into the cupboard with his "brothers and sisters"

By my count there are 22 other cups in that cupboard, all of them little kids. This means that Mrs Potts has presumably had at least 23 children in her lifetime. What a dark horse. Who'd have thought it? Randy old Mrs Potts eh...randy old Mrs Potts...

We never learn how Belle gets Beast, who is about ten feet tall and probably weighs 20 stone, onto the back of a horse

Fair play to her. Even if the horse lay flat on the ground, that is some heavy, heavy lifting.

Why has the Beast got loads of women's clothes?

Are they his mum's clothes? Once you imagine that Belle's wearing the queen's clothes, things start to get a bit dark. Where's the queen? If she's dead, where's the king? If they're both dead, why is the Beast not the king?? What kind of monarchical system is this?

Shouldn't need re-stating but we are talking about physical love between a woman and an animal

You hadn't forgotten? Good, good.

The Beast can't read...but boy does he know how to dance

The Beast was about 10 when the old crone came knocking. He must have been able to read already, unless he was an incredibly underdeveloped child. Since that time, he seems to have lost the ability to read. But let's remember: he's got an absolutely vast library in his castle and he doesn't see anyone at all, ever. If he hasn't been reading, what the fuck has he been doing? And when did he learn to dance??!?!??

Who makes the Beast's humungous clothes?

Seeing behind the scenes here would be an absolute treat. Has the Beast got an in-house tailor? Or was his (presumably dead?) father about ten feet tall as well?

The whole village is full of total arseholes

There's no getting around the fact that, wherever and whatever this village is, it is full of stupid fucking arseholes.

With absolutely no justification, all of the pricks turn up - with pitchforks and axes - in order to incarcerate a harmless old man into a mental asylum. Why do they think they'll need pitchforks? Who are these unbelievable dickheads?

Moments later, when Gaston says that they should go and kill the Beast because suddenly everyone believes he does in fact live in the castle, they don't give it a second's thought. They're convinced that he's extremely dangerous to them, despite the fact that the castle is absolutely miles away and they've never heard of him before.

Group mentality. Absolutely sickening.

The villagers don't seem to remember that a royal family should be living in that massive castle

Do they live within the boundaries of this kingdom or not? Why don't they know who their king or queen is?

Shouldn't they think it's a bit weird that there's no longer a monarchy in the castle but, instead, a hulking great beast living there? There's no escaping the fact that they are monstrous, simple-minded wankers.

The animators really had fun on this film, didn't they

There's a lot of cleavage in Disney, we've got to accept that. But I think the animators must have been particularly horny making this one.

WHO ARE THESE GUYS?

Do all these people work in the castle? It is a big old castle, I'm well aware, but that is a LOT of people. Something about this image kind of makes the whole operation look a lot more like slavery...

That's about everything, I think, thanks

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