Does your manager spout a load of inconsequential nonsense instead of actual words? Do you walk out of meetings scratching your head and wondering what actually happened in there? Have you ever had to hold yourself down in case you involuntarily punch someone for using nothing but jargon?
Congratulations, you've got yourself a job at Bullshit Corp. Ltd.
1 "If you could get that over by the end of play that would be great"
The end of play? As in the end of the match? So is that 90 minutes for football, or 80 for rugby? Or is this tennis? A ceaseless, boring, draining rally that never ends yet always manages to hit the net.
2 "I just don’t have the bandwidth for that right now"
Better get Virgin on the blower then, mate.
3 "Let's focus on the deliverables"
Why does no one ever want to focus on the undeliverables? Maybe we should look into trying not delivering as a business policy.
4 "How can we synergise these two departments?"
Allow me to demonstrate with your head and this wall *slams together*
5 "We should touch base on that offline"
If you want to touch bases then you're going to have to take me out for a drink ;)
Jk, get away from me.
6 "This is a great opportunity for personal empowerment"
Or in other words: "You're on your own, kid."
7 "Going forward..."
Because 'in future' has too many syllables. Or too few. Yeah, it's too few. Poor allocation of resources. Make sure you look into this, going forward.
8 "Where does that fit in to your core competencies?"
Somewhere between 'breathing' and 'laying completely still, hoping no one notices I'm sleeping at work'.
9 "Sorry but this is mission critical"
"SIR, YES SIR"
"THESE INVOICES HAVE TO BE OVER TO THE CLIENT BY 0900 OR ELSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE"
"SIR, RIGHT AWAY SIR"
10 "How soon can you action that?"
As soon as you can explain why 'action' is a better word than 'do'.
11 "Let's really innovate on this one"
As opposed to all the other times when we just do the bare minimum.
Actually, you might have a point there.
12 "With respect..."
Used just before someone says something incredibly disrespectful.
13 "We've parked that idea for the time being"
Parked it right in the bin.
14 "Now I'm just spitballing this..."
Nothing should ever be spitballed. Neither balls nor spit.
15 "We're going through a paradigm shift right now"
A paradigm shit, more like. What's that? You're promoting me to Head of Laughter? Why thank you. It's about time I got some recognition from Bullshit Corp. Ltd.