Now that there are just a few precious months left of university, your family, non-student friends and 'well-wishers' insist on bringing up the unfortunate subject of The Future.
Next time you talk to a final year student, choose your words carefully. Their enthusiasm for their future life is in your hands.
1 Welcome to the real world!
Other people can be dismal little shits sometimes, can't they?
2 So, what's the plan?
Of all the cruel, demoralising things you can say to a soon-to-be grad, this is the most vindictive.
3 God, you're so lucky that you can move back home
Sure, paying little or no rent is awesome. But have you ever tried sneaking a potentially carpet-ruining kebab and a boy you met during an 'ironic' visit to Oceana past your mum? Thought not.
4 Have you heard of X, Y, Z job website?
Everyone's a careers advisor.
5 Enjoy it while it lasts!
Thanks for reminding me that after finals, my dissertation, a fucktonne of grad scheme applications and figuring out whether all the shit I've accumulated will fit into one vehicle, that my lifetime's supply of 'fun' will be totally depleted. Here's to the next 60 years!
6 You will NEVER go out on a Wednesday night again
Not with that attitude.
7 Aren't degrees kind of meaningless now anyway?
Yup, knowledge sucks alright. Come to that, why even bother with school? We hear your five-year-old could pass a GCSE in 2016.
8 Uni friends aren't your real friends anyway
This guy is like that friend who'll tell you how the guy/ girl you're crying over was a total piece of shit. Or that the skirt you just stained with red wine 'wasn't that flattering anyway'. Who's the real 'not real' friend here, huh?
9 Have you thought about doing an MA?
Have you thought about paying for it for me?
10 Now the real work starts!
That's funny, staying awake for 48 hours straight to finish writing that 10,000 word thing you always insist on asking me about felt just a little bit like work.
11 Time to start learning how to cook...
Feature image: Flickr/ Illinois Springfield